Random Grievances

I have a lot of grievances to share right now. If you don't like it go read someone else's blog.

1. People who can't handle their alcohol (I call them lightweights or rookies) and call you the day after they have been out drinking with you to follow up on the drunken travel plans you made together.  Every serious drinker knows that plans made when drinking do not count. Unless the plan is to do Jaegermeister shots and get late-night nachos.

2. People who tell me they are in a "huge hurry" for me to deliver a resume to them and then when I rearrange my schedule and rush to accommodate them, don't bother to get back to me with the feedback I need to finalize the resume.  Inevitably these people tell me, "Oh well, I changed my mind about applying for X job so now I am not in a hurry".  If you do this to me rest assured that you will find yourself on my shit list. Forever.

3. Boring stories told by boring people.

4. American Idol. I just don't get that show.  For most of the season the contestants suck so badly that listening, for even a second, is pure torture. Then, finally, they eliminate all the contestants whose voices sound like a cat that's being strangled and get down to the 2 or 3 people who have even a shred of talent.  That whole show could be reduced to one hour of decent singing rather than several months worth of a horrific freak show.

5. Survivor.  Dumbest show ever. Maybe the first season made sense but for every subsequent season it seems insane that anyone would sign up to hang out on a bug infested island. Let me break it down for you: You, the contestant, agree to be filmed 24X7 while you are hungry, thirsty, living under some banana leaves, and are on the verge of getting intestinal parasites from drinking filthy water and pooping in a jungle.  They, the TV crew/producers/director, on the other hand, are well fed, have air conditioned trailers, and probably get free anti-malaria pills and band aids.  The only way I would watch this show is if it devolved into the contestants getting fed up with the producers, attacking them , stealing their food/water, and resorting to cannibalism (they could roast the producers over a spit).  Come to think of it, that would be some good TV.

6. Mini-cars like Smart Cars and Priuses.  They make sense in Chicago or NY but for crying out loud people, don't drive a midget sized car outside of a city.  I, in my giant SUV, might run over you in your tiny/slow car and that would bum me out for at least an hour. Plus, Prius drivers all seem so self congratulatory and self righteous.  Makes me want to go get a Hummer so I can leave an even bigger carbon footprint when I die. I want to be a carbon Sasquatch. Yeah, I went there.  

7.  Clowns. Hate 'em. No explanation required.

8. Bears seem to be encroaching on human territory more and more. I saw a story on the news the other day about this girl who got a new car and somehow, when she wasn't around, a bear OPENED THE CAR DOOR and got in and trashed her car.  Ate parts of it.  I have been saying for years that bears are a menace and I think that if the US Government wanted to do something useful they would round up all the bears and put them on a reservation or a desert island.  Wait a minute...would that be racist? Or maybe "bearist" is the right term here?  Whatever, I don't want a bear in my car. Ever. So whatever needs to happen to make that a certainty is OK with me.

9. Graphic stories about children getting potty trained. (Yeah Stephanie, I am looking at you right now)

10. Time Warner Cable.  They suck in like 15 different ways. I could probably devote about 10 posts to them but, frankly, I would lose interest halfway through.  Cannot wait until Google Fiber launches in Austin so I can flip TWC the bird.

Cranky About People Who Talk About Stuff I Don't Care About

Do you enjoy it when you are subjected to long monologues or a never-ending series of stories about things that don't interest you?  

Like, for example, if you aren't a car person and you are at dinner with a car enthusiast who will ONLY talk about racing his car.  

Or if you know someone who can ONLY talk about funny things he/she said (in their mind) at some other point in time.  

Or a major Trekkie who recites lines from Star Trek at every opportunity.  

Or if you know someone who seems to ONLY talk about their kids.  

I don't enjoy this.  I can tolerate it if I absolutely have to but I hate it like poison.  

Especially the last one.  As you may know I am not a huge fan of children in general.  I do like some children whom I have deemed to be "sweet" and "well behaved" or "smart".  I also like kids who don't scream or cry if I am forced to pick them up or interact with them.  I usually like my friends' children.  I like Stephanie's son Cash. Or at least I did until he turned 3 and started being totally unpredictable and throwing random tantrums.  I will probably start liking him again when he about 18 at the rate he is going.  But I digress.

If I don't know your kids and you know I am not interested in kids, why would you talk incessantly about the one topic I do not care about?  I love my dogs but I don't carry on about them to people who aren't "dog people".  

People whose only topics of conversation revolve around their kids are pretty much just telling me stories about people I don't know. And unless the person you are telling stories about is a really interesting stranger (like Brad Pitt, Ronald Reagan, the Pope, or Thurgood Marshall) you are boring me.  

Here are some monologue/conversation killing topics that are favored by people who live through their kids:

1. Funny things my kids did yesterday.

2. Funny things my kids did/ate/puked up/peed on as a baby.

3. Clever things my kids said in public.

4. Cool things my kids know how to do (like read or count to 4).

5. My kids future aspirations. 

6. Things my kids destroyed in my house.

7. My kid is smarter than his teacher and let me give you 10 examples to prove it.

8. My kids unusual food allergies.

9. Why I am a great parent even though my kid is in juvie for a "mistake".

10. Hey did I tell you about how my kid can order his/her own food in a restaurant now?

Sometimes when I am out to dinner with a conversational offender (which is pretty much how I think of this issue) I feel like I am being held hostage and it makes me cranky. And have you ever noticed that people who force you listen to their stories about things you don't care about are ALWAYS long-talkers?? They take every story and make it 10X as long as it should.  I hate that too.

If you are reading this and you say to yourself, "Hey, I wonder if I ever do that?" then you probably do and you should take this as a wake up call to try to engage other people in conversations rather than just torturing them with your ramblings about uninteresting shit.

The end.