I Am Being Stalked by Crazies at the Nielsen Ratings

A few years ago I was very excited when I got a call from the folks at Nielsen ratings because for years I had been dying influence TV programming.  In my dreams I envisioned channels devoted entirely to Law & Order, James Bond movies, Lord of the Rings movies, Indiana Jones, and Criminal Minds.  Fortunately some wise person created TNT and A&E for exactly this purpose but I swear I thought of it first and dreamed of being asked to join what I imagined were the elite ranks of the Nielsen Ratings Viewers.

And one day my dream came true.

But it turned out that you should be really careful what you wish for because the ratings forms are a pain in the ass to fill out. And you have to keep one in every room in which you have a TV; we have 5 TVs in 5 different rooms.  Then you are supposed to literally mark the form in great detail every time you watch anything.  

Needless to say I screwed it up right out of the box.

And then I started forgetting to fill it out.

Then I started just making stuff up because I felt guilty for forgetting to fill out the form last time I watched TV.

I felt guilty all the time because I figured I was singlehandedly screwing up an extensive survey.

Then one day I had to send the form back and I realized it was a total mess because some days I hadn't filled out anything and other days I tried to mark every channel I flipped to.  I am apparently not smart enough for the Nielsen ratings.

But the experts at Nielsen apparently recognized my genius and called me again in early 2013.

This time, however, I realized the folly of my ways and declined to participate.  But they don't take "No" for an answer at Nielsen.  I politely said no to the first lady who called me during dinner and explained that filling out the form was just too much work and I screwed up last time anyway.  She cheerfully explained that they had simplified the form and really wanted my opinion.  I declined again.  Finally she let me off the phone.

I thought that was the end of it.

No. The second time I saw Nielsen ratings appear on my caller ID I thought there had to be a mistake but, no, it was yet another creepily cheerful person on the other end of the line explaining with passion that, "Your opinion matters, Liz!"  I declined again, this time more forcefully.

I thought it was over.  But the terror was just beginning.

They kept calling and I just started screening any phone number that said "Nielsen". This went on for a few weeks.  Again, I thought it was over.  But then I went to the mailbox and found the oh-so-familiar package from Nielsen that I knew held their complicated forms. Forms I had refused.  WTF??? Then I knew that they were stalking me. And I got scared. Really scared.  Like tinfoil over the windows scared.

I thought the tinfoil would keep the radio waves or TV waves or whatever the hell witchcraft they use to detect my presence but it didn't work. They sent a postcard to make sure I got the packet but I think they were just fucking with me because they had to have known I had received it.  I ignored the postcard, immediately called my therapist, and started taking psychotropic drugs. I stopped walking anywhere near the windows in my house.

Today was the last straw.  My caller ID said, "unknown caller". So I answered the phone. And it was ANOTHER guy from Nielsen who wanted to know if I had gotten the ratings forms.  I lost my shit. 

I yelled at him and told him I meant business and that I was NOT going to give them my opinion on TV shows. He said cheerfully, "But Liz, your opinion is important!"  And I replied, "Apparently not to you guys or you would have accepted my opinion that I should not fill out your stupid ratings forms and stopped calling me.  And I will not fill out the forms that you sent because I don't want them."  

Then he had the nerve to say, "So you have the forms? You still have them?"  I screamed, "Yes. I have them and I don't want them!!"  And he said, "Can you mail them back to us?"

No this is not a joke - he really said that.  I think I may have had a small stroke when I heard his words. And I hung up.

I normally love giving my opinion but I fear that my spirit is now broken and I may never again share an opinion about anything.  Maybe.

Febreeze

What is up with those Febreeze commercials?

Let me just say that while I am working I like to have the TV on in my office for background noise.  The TV is actually not on my desk so I can't see it unless I turn around so sometimes strange commercials or newscasts interrupt my concentration and I have one of those Scooby Doo, "Duhhh???" moments where I say to myself, "Did I hear that correctly?"  Today I heard a Febreeze commercial that I have probably seen before but never noticed and it kind of got me thinking....and it freaked me out.

Ok let me break it down for you in case you haven't seen these commercials.

The Febreeze people create a horrible smelly situation by, say, leaving raw meat and fish in a hot car for a few days and then putting a Febreeze air freshener in the car. Then they put a blindfolded person in the car with the dead rotting flesh and the air freshener and ask them what they smell.  The people always say things like, "Wow, it smells like fresh flowers and a field of daisies." Or, "Wow I have never smelled anything so fresh in my life!"

What is wrong with this picture?

Are the Febreeze people advocating using their product to simply mask filth? It seems that way to me. I mean if you don't live in a garbage dump who the hell has a house that is so smelly that it requires the unnaturally strong powers of an uber-air freshener? 

Don't get me wrong, I live in a house with 4 dogs so I often have a candle burning and I actually keep a sachet under the seat of my car to drown out any residual canine smell from when the dogs ride with me.  But a candle could never mask the smell of a rotting carcass. No way.  So why would you need something that strong unless you were living in the kind of filth that would render you in need of a visit from the people on that show, "Hoarders"?

It makes you wonder who the target market is for the Febreeze super-strong air freshener product and how the Febreeeze people found out about them? Did they do market research on really smelly people? If so, you have to think there are an awful lot of them in this country because Febreeze airs commercials all the freaking time.  I wonder how large a target market has to be to qualify for a corporate television ad campaign? 

If the U.S. has a population of about 300 million people wouldn't a corporation need to target at least a few million of them to make an ad campaign cost effective? Do really smelly people who live in filth have TVs?  Do they vote? Where do they live? I have SO many questions.  But at the end of the day I think that if we live in a world where the only thing that can kill the smell of a dirty home is a super powered air freshener rather than, say, soap & water, flowers, candles, or just opening a window then we are doomed.

Cranky With People Who Can't Answer Questions

Actual conversation with a potential client who has no resume at all and no Linkedin profile (so I know nothing about his background) whom we will call Mr. X:

Me: Are you starting an active job search?

Mr. X: Well I have been in merchant services for many years and I started out my career selling cell phones for my cousin and then I got into this field and now I make about $30,000 per month which is a really good living...

Me; (interrupting) What can I do for you? Do you need a resume?

Mr. X: Yes I need a resume but I am so unique that its hard for me to talk about what all I have done and....

Me: (interrupting) Are you starting an active job search?

Mr X: Yes I am starting an active job search because I am sick of my industry and I want to sell my portfolio and get a job doing something else.

Me: What do you want to do?

Mr. X: Well I have only really been in merchant services and I don't know anything about other industries like nanotechnology so I need a resume so I can find a nice place to land but I make really good money....

Me: (interrupting) If you don't have any idea what you want to do I really don't see how I can write a resume for you. Also, what does nanotechnology have to do with anything?

Mr X: Oh someone mentioned nanotechnology to me. How am I supposed to figure out what to do next if you don't brainstorm some ideas with me?

Me: (want to kill myself about now) Look, my job is to help you get what you want and I do that by interviewing you and helping you craft a resume and plan to get the job you want....but if you have no idea what you want I can't be effective. Also you are all over the place when you talk about your background...you need to be able to succinctly tell someone what you do....sales, marketing, product development or whatever.

Mr X: Oh, OK...so what do I need to do so you can write me a resume?

Me: (bang head against desk until I pass out)

The end. (yes this conversation actually happened but I probably got some of his comments a little wrong because he was very scattered)

Cranky for No $@!??$% Reason

Today started off OK and for no reason, this afternoon I became cranky and irritable. I have a headache, my stomach hurts, and virtually everything is annoying to me.  It reminds me of that Jimmy Buffett Song that goes, "my head hurts, my feet stink, and I don't love Jesus".

Maybe one of the government drones that I have heard so much about lately is sending evil signals to my head which is causing my headache. Sounds reasonable.

My dogs are being well behaved today so they are, for once, not making me cranky.

It's cold outside (for Austin) and I love that so the weather is not affecting my mood.

I really want some Taco Bell which I can't have because (a) its not really that tasty once you actually eat it, and (b) I am not supposed to be eating junk food right now.  That could be causing some cranky.  Yeah unmet food cravings will do it.

I have some pretty nice clients right now and Lana, my new assistant, is making my life easy so it's not work.

The fact that I can't pinpoint the source of my crankiness is making me more cranky....its a vicious cycle that I just can't break.  

I guess for today I will just have to report that I am cranky for no reason and leave it at that.  Also I should probably not be around people for the rest of the day.