A few years ago I was very excited when I got a call from the folks at Nielsen ratings because for years I had been dying influence TV programming. In my dreams I envisioned channels devoted entirely to Law & Order, James Bond movies, Lord of the Rings movies, Indiana Jones, and Criminal Minds. Fortunately some wise person created TNT and A&E for exactly this purpose but I swear I thought of it first and dreamed of being asked to join what I imagined were the elite ranks of the Nielsen Ratings Viewers.
And one day my dream came true.
But it turned out that you should be really careful what you wish for because the ratings forms are a pain in the ass to fill out. And you have to keep one in every room in which you have a TV; we have 5 TVs in 5 different rooms. Then you are supposed to literally mark the form in great detail every time you watch anything.
Needless to say I screwed it up right out of the box.
And then I started forgetting to fill it out.
Then I started just making stuff up because I felt guilty for forgetting to fill out the form last time I watched TV.
I felt guilty all the time because I figured I was singlehandedly screwing up an extensive survey.
Then one day I had to send the form back and I realized it was a total mess because some days I hadn't filled out anything and other days I tried to mark every channel I flipped to. I am apparently not smart enough for the Nielsen ratings.
But the experts at Nielsen apparently recognized my genius and called me again in early 2013.
This time, however, I realized the folly of my ways and declined to participate. But they don't take "No" for an answer at Nielsen. I politely said no to the first lady who called me during dinner and explained that filling out the form was just too much work and I screwed up last time anyway. She cheerfully explained that they had simplified the form and really wanted my opinion. I declined again. Finally she let me off the phone.
I thought that was the end of it.
No. The second time I saw Nielsen ratings appear on my caller ID I thought there had to be a mistake but, no, it was yet another creepily cheerful person on the other end of the line explaining with passion that, "Your opinion matters, Liz!" I declined again, this time more forcefully.
I thought it was over. But the terror was just beginning.
They kept calling and I just started screening any phone number that said "Nielsen". This went on for a few weeks. Again, I thought it was over. But then I went to the mailbox and found the oh-so-familiar package from Nielsen that I knew held their complicated forms. Forms I had refused. WTF??? Then I knew that they were stalking me. And I got scared. Really scared. Like tinfoil over the windows scared.
I thought the tinfoil would keep the radio waves or TV waves or whatever the hell witchcraft they use to detect my presence but it didn't work. They sent a postcard to make sure I got the packet but I think they were just fucking with me because they had to have known I had received it. I ignored the postcard, immediately called my therapist, and started taking psychotropic drugs. I stopped walking anywhere near the windows in my house.
Today was the last straw. My caller ID said, "unknown caller". So I answered the phone. And it was ANOTHER guy from Nielsen who wanted to know if I had gotten the ratings forms. I lost my shit.
I yelled at him and told him I meant business and that I was NOT going to give them my opinion on TV shows. He said cheerfully, "But Liz, your opinion is important!" And I replied, "Apparently not to you guys or you would have accepted my opinion that I should not fill out your stupid ratings forms and stopped calling me. And I will not fill out the forms that you sent because I don't want them."
Then he had the nerve to say, "So you have the forms? You still have them?" I screamed, "Yes. I have them and I don't want them!!" And he said, "Can you mail them back to us?"
No this is not a joke - he really said that. I think I may have had a small stroke when I heard his words. And I hung up.
I normally love giving my opinion but I fear that my spirit is now broken and I may never again share an opinion about anything. Maybe.
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