Random List of Things That Make Me Cranky

1. Slow Drivers (if you are driving more than 20 mph below speed limit you are slow)

2. Allergies (mine)

3. People who waste my time and/or being forced to spend time with people I don't like

4. The fact that my boot camp has made me so sore I can barely move

5. The crossing guard by the school near my house. Seriously, do you have to run out in traffic with your handheld stop sign (at a corner where there are already 3 stop signs) and wave your arms wildly so that drivers who are already stopped do not decide to rev up their engines and drive over people walking their dogs??  Yeah that's right, the crossing guard near my house doesn't restrict his overly enthusiastic job performance to the children who attend the school. He thinks we are so stupid that we won't stop at a stop sign that we have to stop at ALL THE TIME and will just run down pedestrians and dogs at will.  

6. Apple. Every time my iPhone needs an update it takes at least 20 minutes and half the time it deletes my Audible books and I have to re-download them. And you call yourselves a technology company.

7. Windows 8. I don't have Windows 8 but I fear buying a new computer in case I get saddled with this crazy and poorly reviewed version of Microsoft Office. Why do the people at Microsoft think I want to learn a new version of Word? I don't. I like the version I have.  No. More. Change.

8. Why is Senator Kerry our new Secretary of State? I can think of at least 5 reasons off the top of my head that he should have been laughed out of the room for even being nominated.

9. Fat calories. They are in everything. I am only supposed to eat 31 grams of fat per day if I want to lose weight. Do you know how hard it is to only eat 31 grams of fat? I love data and I love puzzles so trying to figure out how to ingest only 31 grams of fat while also eating 140grams of carbs and 140 grabs of protein is an interesting problem to solve. And no I don't want to drink nasty protein shakes. I want real food.  This makes me cranky just writing about it.

10. Those super sad ASPCA commercials. OMG I have to turn the channel every time these commercials come on TV or I will cry.  Where do they get footage of dirty homeless dogs and why are they filming them instead of scooping them up and rescuing them right then and there?  If I ran across an animal in those circumstances the last thing I would do would be to pull out a video camera.  For the record I donate $20 per month to the ASPCA and am passionate about animal rescue (all of our pets are rescues) but I cannot stand the sight of abused and neglected animals and wish they would take those commercials off the air.

Clients Who Make Me Cranky

I write resumes for a living.  Seems like a pretty simple job right? I ask people questions and create a resume for them.  Most of my clients are executives yet, based on things that actually happen to me on a regular basis, I wish that I could post the following on my website:

Dear Potential Clients:

If you want me have the tools and information necessary to create a resume that makes you look like a superstar here are a few tips for you:

1. When I conduct your 1 hour phone interview please don't take your dog to the dog park during the call and expect me to be able to hear you over 50 barking dogs.

2. During our interview please don't drive while talking on your cell phone because you will hit "dead zones" where I can't hear you, or our call will be cut off, or you will get distracted by traffic accidents.

3. Read the first draft of the resume I send you so you will have some idea of what questions I am going to ask you. If you have done no homework and can't remember basic information about your own career history you waste my time and yours.

4. Know the chronology of your career. If you can't tell me the names of every company you have worked for it's going to be hard for me to tell your story.

5. If you can't, off the top of your head, list all of your job titles at a former employer please look that information up before I interview you.

6. Please do not talk to other people in your home, office, or at the dog park while I am trying to interview you.

7. When I ask you what you accomplished in a specific job, do not tell me what you learned. I just want to know what you did and if there are metrics that support your achievements.

8. When I ask you how many people you managed, don't list the names of all of the people you worked with and expect me to count them up. Just say "7".

9. When I ask you if you were recruited to a company or why you made a career move don't tell me, "well Bob Johnson recruited me" because I have no idea who Bob is. Just say, "the CEO recruited me" and leave it at that.

10. Do not describe yourself as a team player. Ever. Unless you are a professional soccer or football player, then it's OK.

Very Cranky About the New Plastic Bag Law in Austin.

I live in Austin, Texas.  The Austin City Council saw fit to pass a new law that starting in Feb 2013 local retailers cannot provide single use bags to their customers.  They can provide more expensive/thicker bags to customers if they want to but they can't provide the current sort of plastic bags that we all get at the grocery store today.  Apparently paper bags are a no-no too.  I had a discussion with the guy who runs the liquor store near my home about that - his store will have to send you home with a box of booze or you have to buy a cloth bag from them (or bring your own) if you want your booze in a bag. 

I don't fully understand all the details of this annoying new law but I am sure I will when I show up at a store, having forgotten my cloth bags, only to be told that I have to carry an armful of purchases to my car without the aid of a carrying device.

Here is the thing, I am all for reducing waste, and normally I use my cloth bags when grocery shopping because, quite frankly, they are easier to manage than the plastic ones. But as the owner of several dogs it occurred to me the other day that without the plastic bags that we get at the grocery store we have nothing with which to clean up our dog poop.  This is a serious problem.  

I mean what are dog owners supposed to do about cleaning up poop without plastic bags? Do we have to buy special bags? Are we expected to use our hands (never gonna happen)? Or perhaps we are expected to put diapers on our dogs?  Did anyone think of this when City Council was mulling over this politically correct yet impractical law?

I wonder if I am going to have to drive to convenience stores just outside Travis county to make small purchases that will be given to me in plastic bags just so I can get bags to clean up after my pets.  I am now actively NOT using my cloth bags at the grocery store so I can collect and hoard plastic bags for the express purpose of picking up dog poop.  I wonder if anyone else is doing the same thing or has the same concerns? 

All I know is that wondering if I won't be able to find anymore plastic bags for dog poop starting next month is making me very very cranky.  And I predict that in neighborhoods all over Austin you will find more dog poop in parks and common areas because if plastic bags aren't easy to obtain some people will leave that shit on the ground.  It's going to be a stinky spring around here....

A Letter to My Dogs

Dear Oliver, Luke, Flynn, and Kodiak,

I just want all of you to know how much I appreciate the fact that you peed all over the living room because you are such pansies that you refuse to go out in the yard when its raining.  The sweet smell of urine permeating the entire first floor of our house is nothing short of intoxicating. 

When you all refused to go out in the backyard this morning I knew you did not want your beautiful coats to be ruined by the rain. So, out of the goodness of my heart, I took each of you, one by one, out on a leash in the front yard where you could urinate in the relative comfort of the grass and shaded by some bushes.  Two of you refused to perform at all so I thought that if I took all of you out, every hour on the hour,that you might give in to the needs of your bladders and bowels.  But no. You kindly held it all in so you could decorate our living room in lovely shades of yellow and brown.

You all must be under the impression that I enjoy scrubbing the floor and cleaning smelly spots out of the furniture.  Clearly my screaming obscenities communication skills leave something to be desired if, after all these years, you still have that impression. I am not sure what I need to do to persuade you that I don't enjoy the smell of your "accidents" in the house. I will some thought to how I might more effectively communicate my strong desire for you to ONLY urinate outside the house but in the meantime consider this: many dogs around the world live outdoors full time. 

Many of these dogs also supplement the dog food their owners give them by catching and eating small rodents.  A lot of these outdoor dogs also live in wooden boxes called "dog houses" which do not have carpet, beds, or air conditioning.  I realize that you pampered ungrateful assholes little darlings have no concept of such things but I challenge you to open your minds and consider what your lives would be like if you were not allowed in the house at all and were forced to eat, urinate, and sleep in the outdoors.  Ponder it and talk amongst yourselves.

Sincerely,

Your human "mom"

Cranky About Stephanie

I swear my friend Stephanie is trying trying to irritate me even more than usual. Background: when I first met Steph many years ago she was a sweet and innocent girl who was often shocked by foul language, suggestive movie content, and conservative politics. Those were good days - to amuse myself I said and did "shocking" things just to get a reaction from Stephanie. Sometimes I could get a startled reaction from her as many as 5X per day. Occasionally she could be found quietly weeping in a corner in response to a particularly dirty joke. 

I miss those days - such good times. Fast forward to today: I repeated my favorite dirty limerick and initiated a discussion about "adult toys that can be found online" and she didn't bat an eye. When I confronted her about her lack of shock and awe at my comments she said, and I quote, "Liz, at this point, the ONLY thing you could say that would truly shock me would be if you told me you were pregnant". I pondered this statement and reconsidered my entire will to live. I mean, really, what is the point of my existence if not to shock and/or embarrass Stephanie? It's like she is trying to kill my soul or something. 

Cranky With My Pets

Flynn sitting on my shoe - probably preparing to chew it.

I don't make New Year's Resolutions (I usually set some goals for myself though) but this year I resolve/vow to get tougher with my pets. As a start I have discussed the following issue with them and I am going to create written agreements for them to sign because this shit is going to be legally binding:

"If you (insert pet name here) persist in eating non-food items including, but not limited to, excrement (yours or another pet's), home decor items, toilet paper, kleenex (used or unused), small pieces of wood, ribbon, paper (wrapping or any other kind), cardboard, dirt, fast food wrappers, small rocks, insects, small animals, books, electrical cords, magazines, vomit (yours or another pet's), socks, shoes (mine or anyone else's), wine corks, lotion, candy, or furniture, then I (Liz) will no longer purchase expensive organic free range food and treats for you. Instead you can eat some cheapo generic Walmart brand that was probably made in China out of pure lead and toxic waste."

OK well maybe I won't really make this a legally binding agreement but the above is what I wish I could say to them. 

Cranky Cat

Meet the Year of Cranky's Mascot:

I Declare 2013 The Year of Cranky

2011 was the Year of Giving which started with a great idea by my friend Stephanie.  At the end of 2011 I realized that giving to charities every Friday did NOT save the world and may have even resulted in us being scammed a couple of times (mostly Stephanie). So I decided to go the opposite direction in 2012 and I created The Year of Taking which is just what it sounds like...I took as much from the world as I could. And it was a good year filled with big laughs.

I have given a lot of thought to what to call 2013...following are a few of my thoughts.  #5, #7, and #9 were the most popular with my friends.  

1. Year of Indulgence (where I got to the spa a lot and post about it online. Possibly unaffordable)

2. Year of Insulting Strangers (Possibly dangerous)

3. Year of Living Dangerously (wait is that a book?)

4. Year of Living Cowardly (I may already do that)

5. Year of Fear (list 1 new thing I fear each week)

6. Year of Making New Friends (screw that - I have a lot of friends already)

7. Year of Alienating People (weekly tips for those who want to repel those around them)

8. Year of Beer (nah, I prefer vodka)

9. Year of Blessings (where I randomly make up blessings and bestow them on strangers. Possibly creepy.)

10. Year of Curses (Where I curse people I dislike or those whom my friends dislike. Possibly too mean.)

I had some interesting and fun suggestions from friends including:

The Year of Me (Clare)

* Every year is the year of Me...what would be funny about that?

The Year of Blessings & Curses (Stephanie)

*I liked this idea but it seems like a lot of work to do the random acts of kindness Stephanie suggested.

The Year of Laughter (Meg)

* I hope the Year of Cranky gives everyone a Year of Laughter

The Year of Receiving (Max)

* This one was more of a semantic exercise and I didn't think I could make it funny.

Year of the Bear (Jim)

* This one just made no sense and rapidly devolved into an argument about U of C's lackluster football program.  Nix.

Year of Epically Alienating People You Bestow Epic and Creepy Blessings On (Lauren - she's weird)

* Lauren likes to insert the word epic into every sentence so I don't think this was a serious effort on her part.

The Year of the Cranky Pants (Jim - Congratulations you win!)

* This one is the winner! Of course it's the result of me calling my friend Jim a "Cranky Pants" but sometimes genius is found in all kinds of strange places!

The Year of Cranky will be an ongoing description of things that make me cranky, lists of grievances, and things I find annoying or maybe funny.  Basically the Year of Cranky is a curmudgeonly look at life which I hope makes some people laugh a little or maybe it will make them cranky. 

In any case let The Year of Cranky begin!!