I just want all of you to know how much I appreciate the fact that you peed all over the living room because you are such pansies that you refuse to go out in the yard when its raining. The sweet smell of urine permeating the entire first floor of our house is nothing short of intoxicating.
When you all refused to go out in the backyard this morning I knew you did not want your beautiful coats to be ruined by the rain. So, out of the goodness of my heart, I took each of you, one by one, out on a leash in the front yard where you could urinate in the relative comfort of the grass and shaded by some bushes. Two of you refused to perform at all so I thought that if I took all of you out, every hour on the hour,that you might give in to the needs of your bladders and bowels. But no. You kindly held it all in so you could decorate our living room in lovely shades of yellow and brown.
You all must be under the impression that I enjoy scrubbing the floor and cleaning smelly spots out of the furniture. Clearly my screaming obscenities communication skills leave something to be desired if, after all these years, you still have that impression. I am not sure what I need to do to persuade you that I don't enjoy the smell of your "accidents" in the house. I will some thought to how I might more effectively communicate my strong desire for you to ONLY urinate outside the house but in the meantime consider this: many dogs around the world live outdoors full time.
Many of these dogs also supplement the dog food their owners give them by catching and eating small rodents. A lot of these outdoor dogs also live in wooden boxes called "dog houses" which do not have carpet, beds, or air conditioning. I realize that you pampered ungrateful assholes little darlings have no concept of such things but I challenge you to open your minds and consider what your lives would be like if you were not allowed in the house at all and were forced to eat, urinate, and sleep in the outdoors. Ponder it and talk amongst yourselves.
Sincerely,
Your human "mom"
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