Clients Who Make Me Cranky

I write resumes for a living.  Seems like a pretty simple job right? I ask people questions and create a resume for them.  Most of my clients are executives yet, based on things that actually happen to me on a regular basis, I wish that I could post the following on my website:

Dear Potential Clients:

If you want me have the tools and information necessary to create a resume that makes you look like a superstar here are a few tips for you:

1. When I conduct your 1 hour phone interview please don't take your dog to the dog park during the call and expect me to be able to hear you over 50 barking dogs.

2. During our interview please don't drive while talking on your cell phone because you will hit "dead zones" where I can't hear you, or our call will be cut off, or you will get distracted by traffic accidents.

3. Read the first draft of the resume I send you so you will have some idea of what questions I am going to ask you. If you have done no homework and can't remember basic information about your own career history you waste my time and yours.

4. Know the chronology of your career. If you can't tell me the names of every company you have worked for it's going to be hard for me to tell your story.

5. If you can't, off the top of your head, list all of your job titles at a former employer please look that information up before I interview you.

6. Please do not talk to other people in your home, office, or at the dog park while I am trying to interview you.

7. When I ask you what you accomplished in a specific job, do not tell me what you learned. I just want to know what you did and if there are metrics that support your achievements.

8. When I ask you how many people you managed, don't list the names of all of the people you worked with and expect me to count them up. Just say "7".

9. When I ask you if you were recruited to a company or why you made a career move don't tell me, "well Bob Johnson recruited me" because I have no idea who Bob is. Just say, "the CEO recruited me" and leave it at that.

10. Do not describe yourself as a team player. Ever. Unless you are a professional soccer or football player, then it's OK.