Random Grievances

I have a lot of grievances to share right now. If you don't like it go read someone else's blog.

1. People who can't handle their alcohol (I call them lightweights or rookies) and call you the day after they have been out drinking with you to follow up on the drunken travel plans you made together.  Every serious drinker knows that plans made when drinking do not count. Unless the plan is to do Jaegermeister shots and get late-night nachos.

2. People who tell me they are in a "huge hurry" for me to deliver a resume to them and then when I rearrange my schedule and rush to accommodate them, don't bother to get back to me with the feedback I need to finalize the resume.  Inevitably these people tell me, "Oh well, I changed my mind about applying for X job so now I am not in a hurry".  If you do this to me rest assured that you will find yourself on my shit list. Forever.

3. Boring stories told by boring people.

4. American Idol. I just don't get that show.  For most of the season the contestants suck so badly that listening, for even a second, is pure torture. Then, finally, they eliminate all the contestants whose voices sound like a cat that's being strangled and get down to the 2 or 3 people who have even a shred of talent.  That whole show could be reduced to one hour of decent singing rather than several months worth of a horrific freak show.

5. Survivor.  Dumbest show ever. Maybe the first season made sense but for every subsequent season it seems insane that anyone would sign up to hang out on a bug infested island. Let me break it down for you: You, the contestant, agree to be filmed 24X7 while you are hungry, thirsty, living under some banana leaves, and are on the verge of getting intestinal parasites from drinking filthy water and pooping in a jungle.  They, the TV crew/producers/director, on the other hand, are well fed, have air conditioned trailers, and probably get free anti-malaria pills and band aids.  The only way I would watch this show is if it devolved into the contestants getting fed up with the producers, attacking them , stealing their food/water, and resorting to cannibalism (they could roast the producers over a spit).  Come to think of it, that would be some good TV.

6. Mini-cars like Smart Cars and Priuses.  They make sense in Chicago or NY but for crying out loud people, don't drive a midget sized car outside of a city.  I, in my giant SUV, might run over you in your tiny/slow car and that would bum me out for at least an hour. Plus, Prius drivers all seem so self congratulatory and self righteous.  Makes me want to go get a Hummer so I can leave an even bigger carbon footprint when I die. I want to be a carbon Sasquatch. Yeah, I went there.  

7.  Clowns. Hate 'em. No explanation required.

8. Bears seem to be encroaching on human territory more and more. I saw a story on the news the other day about this girl who got a new car and somehow, when she wasn't around, a bear OPENED THE CAR DOOR and got in and trashed her car.  Ate parts of it.  I have been saying for years that bears are a menace and I think that if the US Government wanted to do something useful they would round up all the bears and put them on a reservation or a desert island.  Wait a minute...would that be racist? Or maybe "bearist" is the right term here?  Whatever, I don't want a bear in my car. Ever. So whatever needs to happen to make that a certainty is OK with me.

9. Graphic stories about children getting potty trained. (Yeah Stephanie, I am looking at you right now)

10. Time Warner Cable.  They suck in like 15 different ways. I could probably devote about 10 posts to them but, frankly, I would lose interest halfway through.  Cannot wait until Google Fiber launches in Austin so I can flip TWC the bird.

Cranky About People Who Talk About Stuff I Don't Care About

Do you enjoy it when you are subjected to long monologues or a never-ending series of stories about things that don't interest you?  

Like, for example, if you aren't a car person and you are at dinner with a car enthusiast who will ONLY talk about racing his car.  

Or if you know someone who can ONLY talk about funny things he/she said (in their mind) at some other point in time.  

Or a major Trekkie who recites lines from Star Trek at every opportunity.  

Or if you know someone who seems to ONLY talk about their kids.  

I don't enjoy this.  I can tolerate it if I absolutely have to but I hate it like poison.  

Especially the last one.  As you may know I am not a huge fan of children in general.  I do like some children whom I have deemed to be "sweet" and "well behaved" or "smart".  I also like kids who don't scream or cry if I am forced to pick them up or interact with them.  I usually like my friends' children.  I like Stephanie's son Cash. Or at least I did until he turned 3 and started being totally unpredictable and throwing random tantrums.  I will probably start liking him again when he about 18 at the rate he is going.  But I digress.

If I don't know your kids and you know I am not interested in kids, why would you talk incessantly about the one topic I do not care about?  I love my dogs but I don't carry on about them to people who aren't "dog people".  

People whose only topics of conversation revolve around their kids are pretty much just telling me stories about people I don't know. And unless the person you are telling stories about is a really interesting stranger (like Brad Pitt, Ronald Reagan, the Pope, or Thurgood Marshall) you are boring me.  

Here are some monologue/conversation killing topics that are favored by people who live through their kids:

1. Funny things my kids did yesterday.

2. Funny things my kids did/ate/puked up/peed on as a baby.

3. Clever things my kids said in public.

4. Cool things my kids know how to do (like read or count to 4).

5. My kids future aspirations. 

6. Things my kids destroyed in my house.

7. My kid is smarter than his teacher and let me give you 10 examples to prove it.

8. My kids unusual food allergies.

9. Why I am a great parent even though my kid is in juvie for a "mistake".

10. Hey did I tell you about how my kid can order his/her own food in a restaurant now?

Sometimes when I am out to dinner with a conversational offender (which is pretty much how I think of this issue) I feel like I am being held hostage and it makes me cranky. And have you ever noticed that people who force you listen to their stories about things you don't care about are ALWAYS long-talkers?? They take every story and make it 10X as long as it should.  I hate that too.

If you are reading this and you say to yourself, "Hey, I wonder if I ever do that?" then you probably do and you should take this as a wake up call to try to engage other people in conversations rather than just torturing them with your ramblings about uninteresting shit.

The end.

Drinks Named for Friends

Today is a particularly non-cranky day so if you were hoping for a cranky post go ahead and read North Korean thug-in-chief leader Kim Jon Un's blog "1000 Reasons I Hate America and My Plan to Bomb Austin, Texas".

As you may know, I like to drink vodka. Tito's vodka in particular (made in Texas).  I used to go to the trouble of putting the vodka in a martini shaker adding a whiff of vermouth and some ice and shaking it before pouring it in an icy martini glass.  I liked the ritual of doing that but waiting so long (as much as 5 minutes at times) for a martini made me cranky. So I started just pouring Tito's in a highball glass, tossing in a few ice cubes and enjoying.  I named that drink a "Liztini" to make myself feel less like an alcoholic and more like a classy chick.  It works for me. I drink a lot of Liztini's and not one has ever disappointed me.

However, sometimes I like to have a Liztini at, say, 5 pm instead of 7 pm.  Earlier drinking means earlier passing out falling asleep and that means an abbreviated evening with my husband.  Not good.  So I decided to take a cue from my dear friend Andreana and mix my vodka with Sprite.  To my amazement I loved it...it is a delicious and refreshing drink which isn't too heavy to drink earlier in the day.  

So to honor the woman who brought me this lovely drink I named it "The Andreana".  Now I have 2 favorite drinks.  As a side note, let me say that I ordered an Andreana the other night when I was out with my friend Stephanie and I thought Stephanie was going to have a heart attack. She had never seen me order anything other than a Liztini and she really flipped out.  If I had known her reaction would be so over the top (think seizure mixed with Tourrete-like outbursts) I would have taken a video and it would have gone viral already. I don't always plan ahead though.  Sorry about that...it was pretty priceless (Stephanie hates change of any kind even changes in her friends' drinking behavior).

Today I was thinking about the fact that naming a drink after a friend is pretty much the highest honor you can give them.  Besides naming your kid after them or voting for them for President.  And I got to thinking about drinks that would fit my varied friends' personalities.  Following is a list of drinks named after the friends whom I think most resemble them:

The Stephanie: 10% water mixed with 90% sugar or Splenda (I would never drink this crap)

The Lauren (Huffman): 2 oz of a white wine spritzer (girlfriend is a lightweight)

The Lauren (Farwell): Water in a plastic bottle. Its all she freaking drinks.

The Robin (Cox): Straight shots of tequila at noon.

The Martta: Imagine the most complicated drink ever made with at least 40 ingredients. Some of the ingredients would be very expensive and imported from far away lands like those islands off the coast of Japan that the Chinese are trying to lay claim to.  This drink would take at least 14 hours to make.  It doesn't even matter what is in it because you and I would never have heard of the ingredients but Martta would devote an entire weekend to making 1 oz of it (not to mention writing a blog post about it and 50 photos on Pinterest).  Meanwhile ,I would already be drunk on Liztinis so I wouldn't get to taste it.

The Susan (Shock): Dr  Pepper

The Alisha: The dream of red wine.  Just  a dream. She is pregnant and more than a little annoyed about not being able to drink red wine.  When I dream of wine I think of Alisha.

The Amy (Morgan): A chocolate protein shake with a chocolate chip cookie garnish. 

The Meg (Cutts): Hot tea served English style with milk and other crap in it.  

The Clare (Yeakel): Wine. Any kind. Lots of wine.  Like a vat of it. A vat so big you could swim in it. Then imagine Clare laughing her ass off as she drinks at least 1 bottle of it.

The Aruni: 1 glass of red wine (a big zinfandel) after which she would be rendered giggly and demanding to watch House of Cards on Netflix for hours on end.  It's not pretty.

The Kristi (Koch): Pims and soda. Classiest drink ever.

The Stacy (Jones): Kentucky Bourbon mixed with sprite and consumed at a concert. Preferably some kind of Appalachian rock music that we have never heard of.

The Amy (Warner): Amy makes this fruity drink with vodka, sprite and some kind of really sweet pink mixer.  She calls it a Pink Panty Dropper.  The Amy = Pink Panty Dropper.

The Cindy (Thompson): Frozen margarita.

The Regina (Robinson): Drink? She has no time to drink. She works 47 hours a day.  But she wants a Corona so the next time I drink a Corona I will call it a Regina.

The Leif (Madsen): Oban single malt Scotch served neat.  After you drink this you apparently become infused with peace and love of all things in the universe. That's what I think happened to Leif anyway.

The Alex (Moir): Sazerac because he is the only person I know who has ever tried one.

The Shawn (Haugen): German beer. Any kind is fine.

The Elda (Martinez): Shiner bock. Served ice cold and with a side of red meat.  Then more Shiner. Do not stop pouring the Shiner!!!

The Peter (Fithian): Beer made by Libertarians from the blood of liberals.  

The Mike (Radle): whole milk. Yeah he is the one person in America that drinks it.

The O'Flynn: Guinness beer poured perfectly.  Stephen O'Flynn can explain how the perfect pour is done but you need about 3 hours to absorb the complexity of this uniquely Irish feat.

The Julie (England): 1% milk (with cookies)

The Laurel (Lyle): Gin and tonic but the tonic must be homemade

The Jonathan (Hogue): Weller bourbon with 3 ice. 

If I think of other drinks I could name after my friends I will add to this but for now, cheers.

Cranky About Gas Pumps

Finding a quiet moment for yourself in our 24-hour news cycle, internet, text, and phone world is challenging.  Sometimes we find little pockets of time (like when I walk my dog) where no one can reach us and we get a short break from an otherwise frenzied world.

I don't especially like pumping gas because its kind of a 5-minute boring errand but on the bright side its a few minutes of peace and quiet...just me and my car and all the traffic whizzing by the road.  I have always enjoyed knowing that, for that brief moment in time, I am not in touch with the world at large. But now even that little break has been ruined by technology.

Technology can be a wonderful thing.   Technology has brought us laptop computers, huge TVs, online shopping, internet porn, the ability to share 5 gazillion cat photos/videos with our friends, and the ability to pay for things with your credit card just by swiping it in point of service (POS) machines like gas pumps.   

Remember when you used to have to pull up to the gas pump and then get out of your car and walk into the store to pay for your gas before you pumped it?  Annoying.  And if it was raining or snowing, a pretty messy errand. But probably a good thing for shop owners who had a decent chance at selling you convenience store items while you were inside paying for gas.

Enter the automated gas pump. Now we can quickly pay for and pump gas without having to leave the vicinity of our car and (bonus) not have to talk to anyone.  Its a quick and conversation-free experience...which, when it comes to pumping gas, is my favorite kind.  Or at least it was until technologists and marketing people got involved and conspired to ruin my nice quick and quiet gas pumping experience.

Now, when you pull up to a gas pump, there is an excellent chance that it will talk to you and spew information ranging from public service announcements (don't drink and drive!) to sales pitches (would you like to purchase an additive which will clean your engine while you drive?) to advertisements (Cottonelle is on sale for $2.99 today only so come into the store!).

It annoys me beyond reason.  I view the time that I am pumping gas as a few quiet moments where I am not available for phone calls, email, texts, or any conversation at all. And now that 5 minutes of peace and quiet have been stolen from me.

OK so they have stolen my peace and quiet and for what? So that they can try to sell me an additive that can automatically be added to my gasoline at the pump to clean my engine.  Well if it is that freaking great and SO important to the overall well being of my car why isn't it already in the gasoline? If it was that important I would hope that Exxon or Chevron would already put it in my gasoline. Are they withholding a crucial ingredient to my car's well being?  I doubt it; and that is what pisses me off even more - they are ruining my nice quiet gas-pumping time to try to sell me an additive that I don't even need.

I don't really mind the public service announcements as much because I figure that the police probably need all the avenues of communication they can get to tell people not to do stupid things when they drive. However I still don't want to be sold to or talked to by a machine while I am putting fuel in my car.  That is my time, not yours.  So to the marketing and tech assholes geniuses that thought up this grand new opportunity to communicate with the public: you can suck it.

That's all I have to say about this.

I Am Being Stalked by Crazies at the Nielsen Ratings

A few years ago I was very excited when I got a call from the folks at Nielsen ratings because for years I had been dying influence TV programming.  In my dreams I envisioned channels devoted entirely to Law & Order, James Bond movies, Lord of the Rings movies, Indiana Jones, and Criminal Minds.  Fortunately some wise person created TNT and A&E for exactly this purpose but I swear I thought of it first and dreamed of being asked to join what I imagined were the elite ranks of the Nielsen Ratings Viewers.

And one day my dream came true.

But it turned out that you should be really careful what you wish for because the ratings forms are a pain in the ass to fill out. And you have to keep one in every room in which you have a TV; we have 5 TVs in 5 different rooms.  Then you are supposed to literally mark the form in great detail every time you watch anything.  

Needless to say I screwed it up right out of the box.

And then I started forgetting to fill it out.

Then I started just making stuff up because I felt guilty for forgetting to fill out the form last time I watched TV.

I felt guilty all the time because I figured I was singlehandedly screwing up an extensive survey.

Then one day I had to send the form back and I realized it was a total mess because some days I hadn't filled out anything and other days I tried to mark every channel I flipped to.  I am apparently not smart enough for the Nielsen ratings.

But the experts at Nielsen apparently recognized my genius and called me again in early 2013.

This time, however, I realized the folly of my ways and declined to participate.  But they don't take "No" for an answer at Nielsen.  I politely said no to the first lady who called me during dinner and explained that filling out the form was just too much work and I screwed up last time anyway.  She cheerfully explained that they had simplified the form and really wanted my opinion.  I declined again.  Finally she let me off the phone.

I thought that was the end of it.

No. The second time I saw Nielsen ratings appear on my caller ID I thought there had to be a mistake but, no, it was yet another creepily cheerful person on the other end of the line explaining with passion that, "Your opinion matters, Liz!"  I declined again, this time more forcefully.

I thought it was over.  But the terror was just beginning.

They kept calling and I just started screening any phone number that said "Nielsen". This went on for a few weeks.  Again, I thought it was over.  But then I went to the mailbox and found the oh-so-familiar package from Nielsen that I knew held their complicated forms. Forms I had refused.  WTF??? Then I knew that they were stalking me. And I got scared. Really scared.  Like tinfoil over the windows scared.

I thought the tinfoil would keep the radio waves or TV waves or whatever the hell witchcraft they use to detect my presence but it didn't work. They sent a postcard to make sure I got the packet but I think they were just fucking with me because they had to have known I had received it.  I ignored the postcard, immediately called my therapist, and started taking psychotropic drugs. I stopped walking anywhere near the windows in my house.

Today was the last straw.  My caller ID said, "unknown caller". So I answered the phone. And it was ANOTHER guy from Nielsen who wanted to know if I had gotten the ratings forms.  I lost my shit. 

I yelled at him and told him I meant business and that I was NOT going to give them my opinion on TV shows. He said cheerfully, "But Liz, your opinion is important!"  And I replied, "Apparently not to you guys or you would have accepted my opinion that I should not fill out your stupid ratings forms and stopped calling me.  And I will not fill out the forms that you sent because I don't want them."  

Then he had the nerve to say, "So you have the forms? You still have them?"  I screamed, "Yes. I have them and I don't want them!!"  And he said, "Can you mail them back to us?"

No this is not a joke - he really said that.  I think I may have had a small stroke when I heard his words. And I hung up.

I normally love giving my opinion but I fear that my spirit is now broken and I may never again share an opinion about anything.  Maybe.

Febreeze

What is up with those Febreeze commercials?

Let me just say that while I am working I like to have the TV on in my office for background noise.  The TV is actually not on my desk so I can't see it unless I turn around so sometimes strange commercials or newscasts interrupt my concentration and I have one of those Scooby Doo, "Duhhh???" moments where I say to myself, "Did I hear that correctly?"  Today I heard a Febreeze commercial that I have probably seen before but never noticed and it kind of got me thinking....and it freaked me out.

Ok let me break it down for you in case you haven't seen these commercials.

The Febreeze people create a horrible smelly situation by, say, leaving raw meat and fish in a hot car for a few days and then putting a Febreeze air freshener in the car. Then they put a blindfolded person in the car with the dead rotting flesh and the air freshener and ask them what they smell.  The people always say things like, "Wow, it smells like fresh flowers and a field of daisies." Or, "Wow I have never smelled anything so fresh in my life!"

What is wrong with this picture?

Are the Febreeze people advocating using their product to simply mask filth? It seems that way to me. I mean if you don't live in a garbage dump who the hell has a house that is so smelly that it requires the unnaturally strong powers of an uber-air freshener? 

Don't get me wrong, I live in a house with 4 dogs so I often have a candle burning and I actually keep a sachet under the seat of my car to drown out any residual canine smell from when the dogs ride with me.  But a candle could never mask the smell of a rotting carcass. No way.  So why would you need something that strong unless you were living in the kind of filth that would render you in need of a visit from the people on that show, "Hoarders"?

It makes you wonder who the target market is for the Febreeze super-strong air freshener product and how the Febreeeze people found out about them? Did they do market research on really smelly people? If so, you have to think there are an awful lot of them in this country because Febreeze airs commercials all the freaking time.  I wonder how large a target market has to be to qualify for a corporate television ad campaign? 

If the U.S. has a population of about 300 million people wouldn't a corporation need to target at least a few million of them to make an ad campaign cost effective? Do really smelly people who live in filth have TVs?  Do they vote? Where do they live? I have SO many questions.  But at the end of the day I think that if we live in a world where the only thing that can kill the smell of a dirty home is a super powered air freshener rather than, say, soap & water, flowers, candles, or just opening a window then we are doomed.

Cranky With People Who Can't Answer Questions

Actual conversation with a potential client who has no resume at all and no Linkedin profile (so I know nothing about his background) whom we will call Mr. X:

Me: Are you starting an active job search?

Mr. X: Well I have been in merchant services for many years and I started out my career selling cell phones for my cousin and then I got into this field and now I make about $30,000 per month which is a really good living...

Me; (interrupting) What can I do for you? Do you need a resume?

Mr. X: Yes I need a resume but I am so unique that its hard for me to talk about what all I have done and....

Me: (interrupting) Are you starting an active job search?

Mr X: Yes I am starting an active job search because I am sick of my industry and I want to sell my portfolio and get a job doing something else.

Me: What do you want to do?

Mr. X: Well I have only really been in merchant services and I don't know anything about other industries like nanotechnology so I need a resume so I can find a nice place to land but I make really good money....

Me: (interrupting) If you don't have any idea what you want to do I really don't see how I can write a resume for you. Also, what does nanotechnology have to do with anything?

Mr X: Oh someone mentioned nanotechnology to me. How am I supposed to figure out what to do next if you don't brainstorm some ideas with me?

Me: (want to kill myself about now) Look, my job is to help you get what you want and I do that by interviewing you and helping you craft a resume and plan to get the job you want....but if you have no idea what you want I can't be effective. Also you are all over the place when you talk about your background...you need to be able to succinctly tell someone what you do....sales, marketing, product development or whatever.

Mr X: Oh, OK...so what do I need to do so you can write me a resume?

Me: (bang head against desk until I pass out)

The end. (yes this conversation actually happened but I probably got some of his comments a little wrong because he was very scattered)

Cranky for No $@!??$% Reason

Today started off OK and for no reason, this afternoon I became cranky and irritable. I have a headache, my stomach hurts, and virtually everything is annoying to me.  It reminds me of that Jimmy Buffett Song that goes, "my head hurts, my feet stink, and I don't love Jesus".

Maybe one of the government drones that I have heard so much about lately is sending evil signals to my head which is causing my headache. Sounds reasonable.

My dogs are being well behaved today so they are, for once, not making me cranky.

It's cold outside (for Austin) and I love that so the weather is not affecting my mood.

I really want some Taco Bell which I can't have because (a) its not really that tasty once you actually eat it, and (b) I am not supposed to be eating junk food right now.  That could be causing some cranky.  Yeah unmet food cravings will do it.

I have some pretty nice clients right now and Lana, my new assistant, is making my life easy so it's not work.

The fact that I can't pinpoint the source of my crankiness is making me more cranky....its a vicious cycle that I just can't break.  

I guess for today I will just have to report that I am cranky for no reason and leave it at that.  Also I should probably not be around people for the rest of the day.

Random List of Things That Make Me Cranky

1. Slow Drivers (if you are driving more than 20 mph below speed limit you are slow)

2. Allergies (mine)

3. People who waste my time and/or being forced to spend time with people I don't like

4. The fact that my boot camp has made me so sore I can barely move

5. The crossing guard by the school near my house. Seriously, do you have to run out in traffic with your handheld stop sign (at a corner where there are already 3 stop signs) and wave your arms wildly so that drivers who are already stopped do not decide to rev up their engines and drive over people walking their dogs??  Yeah that's right, the crossing guard near my house doesn't restrict his overly enthusiastic job performance to the children who attend the school. He thinks we are so stupid that we won't stop at a stop sign that we have to stop at ALL THE TIME and will just run down pedestrians and dogs at will.  

6. Apple. Every time my iPhone needs an update it takes at least 20 minutes and half the time it deletes my Audible books and I have to re-download them. And you call yourselves a technology company.

7. Windows 8. I don't have Windows 8 but I fear buying a new computer in case I get saddled with this crazy and poorly reviewed version of Microsoft Office. Why do the people at Microsoft think I want to learn a new version of Word? I don't. I like the version I have.  No. More. Change.

8. Why is Senator Kerry our new Secretary of State? I can think of at least 5 reasons off the top of my head that he should have been laughed out of the room for even being nominated.

9. Fat calories. They are in everything. I am only supposed to eat 31 grams of fat per day if I want to lose weight. Do you know how hard it is to only eat 31 grams of fat? I love data and I love puzzles so trying to figure out how to ingest only 31 grams of fat while also eating 140grams of carbs and 140 grabs of protein is an interesting problem to solve. And no I don't want to drink nasty protein shakes. I want real food.  This makes me cranky just writing about it.

10. Those super sad ASPCA commercials. OMG I have to turn the channel every time these commercials come on TV or I will cry.  Where do they get footage of dirty homeless dogs and why are they filming them instead of scooping them up and rescuing them right then and there?  If I ran across an animal in those circumstances the last thing I would do would be to pull out a video camera.  For the record I donate $20 per month to the ASPCA and am passionate about animal rescue (all of our pets are rescues) but I cannot stand the sight of abused and neglected animals and wish they would take those commercials off the air.

Clients Who Make Me Cranky

I write resumes for a living.  Seems like a pretty simple job right? I ask people questions and create a resume for them.  Most of my clients are executives yet, based on things that actually happen to me on a regular basis, I wish that I could post the following on my website:

Dear Potential Clients:

If you want me have the tools and information necessary to create a resume that makes you look like a superstar here are a few tips for you:

1. When I conduct your 1 hour phone interview please don't take your dog to the dog park during the call and expect me to be able to hear you over 50 barking dogs.

2. During our interview please don't drive while talking on your cell phone because you will hit "dead zones" where I can't hear you, or our call will be cut off, or you will get distracted by traffic accidents.

3. Read the first draft of the resume I send you so you will have some idea of what questions I am going to ask you. If you have done no homework and can't remember basic information about your own career history you waste my time and yours.

4. Know the chronology of your career. If you can't tell me the names of every company you have worked for it's going to be hard for me to tell your story.

5. If you can't, off the top of your head, list all of your job titles at a former employer please look that information up before I interview you.

6. Please do not talk to other people in your home, office, or at the dog park while I am trying to interview you.

7. When I ask you what you accomplished in a specific job, do not tell me what you learned. I just want to know what you did and if there are metrics that support your achievements.

8. When I ask you how many people you managed, don't list the names of all of the people you worked with and expect me to count them up. Just say "7".

9. When I ask you if you were recruited to a company or why you made a career move don't tell me, "well Bob Johnson recruited me" because I have no idea who Bob is. Just say, "the CEO recruited me" and leave it at that.

10. Do not describe yourself as a team player. Ever. Unless you are a professional soccer or football player, then it's OK.

Very Cranky About the New Plastic Bag Law in Austin.

I live in Austin, Texas.  The Austin City Council saw fit to pass a new law that starting in Feb 2013 local retailers cannot provide single use bags to their customers.  They can provide more expensive/thicker bags to customers if they want to but they can't provide the current sort of plastic bags that we all get at the grocery store today.  Apparently paper bags are a no-no too.  I had a discussion with the guy who runs the liquor store near my home about that - his store will have to send you home with a box of booze or you have to buy a cloth bag from them (or bring your own) if you want your booze in a bag. 

I don't fully understand all the details of this annoying new law but I am sure I will when I show up at a store, having forgotten my cloth bags, only to be told that I have to carry an armful of purchases to my car without the aid of a carrying device.

Here is the thing, I am all for reducing waste, and normally I use my cloth bags when grocery shopping because, quite frankly, they are easier to manage than the plastic ones. But as the owner of several dogs it occurred to me the other day that without the plastic bags that we get at the grocery store we have nothing with which to clean up our dog poop.  This is a serious problem.  

I mean what are dog owners supposed to do about cleaning up poop without plastic bags? Do we have to buy special bags? Are we expected to use our hands (never gonna happen)? Or perhaps we are expected to put diapers on our dogs?  Did anyone think of this when City Council was mulling over this politically correct yet impractical law?

I wonder if I am going to have to drive to convenience stores just outside Travis county to make small purchases that will be given to me in plastic bags just so I can get bags to clean up after my pets.  I am now actively NOT using my cloth bags at the grocery store so I can collect and hoard plastic bags for the express purpose of picking up dog poop.  I wonder if anyone else is doing the same thing or has the same concerns? 

All I know is that wondering if I won't be able to find anymore plastic bags for dog poop starting next month is making me very very cranky.  And I predict that in neighborhoods all over Austin you will find more dog poop in parks and common areas because if plastic bags aren't easy to obtain some people will leave that shit on the ground.  It's going to be a stinky spring around here....

A Letter to My Dogs

Dear Oliver, Luke, Flynn, and Kodiak,

I just want all of you to know how much I appreciate the fact that you peed all over the living room because you are such pansies that you refuse to go out in the yard when its raining.  The sweet smell of urine permeating the entire first floor of our house is nothing short of intoxicating. 

When you all refused to go out in the backyard this morning I knew you did not want your beautiful coats to be ruined by the rain. So, out of the goodness of my heart, I took each of you, one by one, out on a leash in the front yard where you could urinate in the relative comfort of the grass and shaded by some bushes.  Two of you refused to perform at all so I thought that if I took all of you out, every hour on the hour,that you might give in to the needs of your bladders and bowels.  But no. You kindly held it all in so you could decorate our living room in lovely shades of yellow and brown.

You all must be under the impression that I enjoy scrubbing the floor and cleaning smelly spots out of the furniture.  Clearly my screaming obscenities communication skills leave something to be desired if, after all these years, you still have that impression. I am not sure what I need to do to persuade you that I don't enjoy the smell of your "accidents" in the house. I will some thought to how I might more effectively communicate my strong desire for you to ONLY urinate outside the house but in the meantime consider this: many dogs around the world live outdoors full time. 

Many of these dogs also supplement the dog food their owners give them by catching and eating small rodents.  A lot of these outdoor dogs also live in wooden boxes called "dog houses" which do not have carpet, beds, or air conditioning.  I realize that you pampered ungrateful assholes little darlings have no concept of such things but I challenge you to open your minds and consider what your lives would be like if you were not allowed in the house at all and were forced to eat, urinate, and sleep in the outdoors.  Ponder it and talk amongst yourselves.

Sincerely,

Your human "mom"

Cranky About Stephanie

I swear my friend Stephanie is trying trying to irritate me even more than usual. Background: when I first met Steph many years ago she was a sweet and innocent girl who was often shocked by foul language, suggestive movie content, and conservative politics. Those were good days - to amuse myself I said and did "shocking" things just to get a reaction from Stephanie. Sometimes I could get a startled reaction from her as many as 5X per day. Occasionally she could be found quietly weeping in a corner in response to a particularly dirty joke. 

I miss those days - such good times. Fast forward to today: I repeated my favorite dirty limerick and initiated a discussion about "adult toys that can be found online" and she didn't bat an eye. When I confronted her about her lack of shock and awe at my comments she said, and I quote, "Liz, at this point, the ONLY thing you could say that would truly shock me would be if you told me you were pregnant". I pondered this statement and reconsidered my entire will to live. I mean, really, what is the point of my existence if not to shock and/or embarrass Stephanie? It's like she is trying to kill my soul or something. 

Cranky With My Pets

Flynn sitting on my shoe - probably preparing to chew it.

I don't make New Year's Resolutions (I usually set some goals for myself though) but this year I resolve/vow to get tougher with my pets. As a start I have discussed the following issue with them and I am going to create written agreements for them to sign because this shit is going to be legally binding:

"If you (insert pet name here) persist in eating non-food items including, but not limited to, excrement (yours or another pet's), home decor items, toilet paper, kleenex (used or unused), small pieces of wood, ribbon, paper (wrapping or any other kind), cardboard, dirt, fast food wrappers, small rocks, insects, small animals, books, electrical cords, magazines, vomit (yours or another pet's), socks, shoes (mine or anyone else's), wine corks, lotion, candy, or furniture, then I (Liz) will no longer purchase expensive organic free range food and treats for you. Instead you can eat some cheapo generic Walmart brand that was probably made in China out of pure lead and toxic waste."

OK well maybe I won't really make this a legally binding agreement but the above is what I wish I could say to them. 

Cranky Cat

Meet the Year of Cranky's Mascot:

I Declare 2013 The Year of Cranky

2011 was the Year of Giving which started with a great idea by my friend Stephanie.  At the end of 2011 I realized that giving to charities every Friday did NOT save the world and may have even resulted in us being scammed a couple of times (mostly Stephanie). So I decided to go the opposite direction in 2012 and I created The Year of Taking which is just what it sounds like...I took as much from the world as I could. And it was a good year filled with big laughs.

I have given a lot of thought to what to call 2013...following are a few of my thoughts.  #5, #7, and #9 were the most popular with my friends.  

1. Year of Indulgence (where I got to the spa a lot and post about it online. Possibly unaffordable)

2. Year of Insulting Strangers (Possibly dangerous)

3. Year of Living Dangerously (wait is that a book?)

4. Year of Living Cowardly (I may already do that)

5. Year of Fear (list 1 new thing I fear each week)

6. Year of Making New Friends (screw that - I have a lot of friends already)

7. Year of Alienating People (weekly tips for those who want to repel those around them)

8. Year of Beer (nah, I prefer vodka)

9. Year of Blessings (where I randomly make up blessings and bestow them on strangers. Possibly creepy.)

10. Year of Curses (Where I curse people I dislike or those whom my friends dislike. Possibly too mean.)

I had some interesting and fun suggestions from friends including:

The Year of Me (Clare)

* Every year is the year of Me...what would be funny about that?

The Year of Blessings & Curses (Stephanie)

*I liked this idea but it seems like a lot of work to do the random acts of kindness Stephanie suggested.

The Year of Laughter (Meg)

* I hope the Year of Cranky gives everyone a Year of Laughter

The Year of Receiving (Max)

* This one was more of a semantic exercise and I didn't think I could make it funny.

Year of the Bear (Jim)

* This one just made no sense and rapidly devolved into an argument about U of C's lackluster football program.  Nix.

Year of Epically Alienating People You Bestow Epic and Creepy Blessings On (Lauren - she's weird)

* Lauren likes to insert the word epic into every sentence so I don't think this was a serious effort on her part.

The Year of the Cranky Pants (Jim - Congratulations you win!)

* This one is the winner! Of course it's the result of me calling my friend Jim a "Cranky Pants" but sometimes genius is found in all kinds of strange places!

The Year of Cranky will be an ongoing description of things that make me cranky, lists of grievances, and things I find annoying or maybe funny.  Basically the Year of Cranky is a curmudgeonly look at life which I hope makes some people laugh a little or maybe it will make them cranky. 

In any case let The Year of Cranky begin!!